Thursday, 2 November 2006

Tht Hold Steady

These past few days I've had this cyst thing growing inside my ear. It's been getting progressively worse and this morning on the way to work it had become so painful and swollen that I couldn't get my right earphone in. Nasty.
I'm not just sharing this with you in the spirit of openness and frank honesty between friends though. There is a point.
And that point brings us nicely to the new album by The Hold Steady, Boys And Girls In America. One thing I did today was listen to this album for the first time. Another thing I did today was take a scalpel and jam it into that painful cyst in my ear to let the fluid collected inside it out (I wear a white coat to work, that more than qualifies me to carry out minor medical procedures on myself). I'm sure only the thick kids at the back haven't already worked out where I'm going with this, but here goes anyway. Can you guess which of these two things was more pleasurable? Which I'll have the fonder memories of?
That's right, scalpel in the ear over this piece of shit album every time. I'm not sure if it was the band's intention to conjure the mental image of the singer from Stiltskin, on the toilet, groaning his way through Road To Hell by Chris Rea whilst he tries to strain out a particularly stinky one caused by a nasty bout of egg over-indulgence induced constipation as The E Street Band look on and play arthritic Green Day covers in the corner.
If it was I take my hat off to them on a job well done, but I hate to credit the kind of people that could come up with this album with that much imagination.

I stole this album from the Internet and I still feel I would be justified in writing to somebody to ask for a refund.

I can't remember who recommended this album to me (I have a long history of alcohol abuse), but if you are reading this please never make any suggestion to me again. About anything. Ever. You bastard.

The Hold Steady photographed by idiots last week

Tuesday, 31 October 2006

The Panda Thing

The only amusing thing I ever wrote, and it's not really even very amusing. It's like like the greatest hit of a one hit wonder that never really had that much of a hit in the first place. Top twenty at best. It's like Scooby Snacks by the Fun Lovin' Criminals but only slightly less annoying. It's the Pandas=Bastards thing:

Pandas are rubbish, it's a fact that only I and certain other mentally ill types seem to have noticed. Why do pandas piss me off? Because they are a bunch of useless, obdurate, selfish, lazy, fussy, fraudulent bastards who more than deserve to be up the evolutionary creek they are up right now. They are a prime example of the pointlessness of animal that aren't good to eat.

So what if they're dying out because their habitat is being destroyed and they've no bamboo to eat? They really aren't in a position to be all discriminating about their diet.

Goats will eat anything, there are loads of goats, goats are good to eat, goats are cool.

Anyways, when some do-gooder does get two of the fat idiots in the same room ( at great expense ) no amount of mood lighting, Barry White music and oysters will ever get them to mate. Why? Because even pandas hate pandas.

You won't ever have this problem with pigs because pigs are good to eat, pigs are cool.

Ever see a panda? All the useless twats do is sit around looking sorry for themselves. Monkeys, on the other hand are very entertaining. Clint Eastwood even made a movie with one.

Monkeys probably aren't good to eat but they're still very cool.

Pandas aren't even real bears-FACT

Panda cola is shite, Penguin bars are tasty.

I rest my case.