Saturday, 22 November 2008

Fuck me, This Took Fifteen Years to Make?! A Fair and Balanced Track-by-Track Review of Chinese Democracy.

Elliot Armstrong commented at 00:24 22 November
It's what the inside of a fat, middle-aged ginger man that thinks it's still 1993 and he's still the biggest rock star in el Mundo's brain sounds like, if you're interested. Which you aren't. Fuck you.

Elliot Armstrong commented at 00:32 22 November
HA! First ballad. Fucking hilarious. P-O-W-E-R-B-A-L-L-A-D-!
Does Axl Rose actually know what his voice sounds like now? It's like an X Factor retard doing a karaoke of November Rain and being strangled at the same time.

Elliot Armstrong commented at 01:22 22 November
Spanish guitar over a fourteen year old trip-hop beat that's been sped up a bit but still sounds really pedestrian, tinkling piano keys, strings and some chugging riffery. Over the top of all this Axl is trying to nail falsetto. A decade and a half ago idiots thought the future would sound like this. A decade and a half later, some really terrible things have happened and the future turned out to be a bit shit, but at least it didn’t have a Slash style solo rammed clumsily down its gullet.

Elliot Armstrong commented at 01:27 22 November

The strings are back and they're epic. In fact, this whole song is epic.

If you're a gurgling spanner factory worker that likes Wrestling and lives in Coventry.

Elliot Armstrong commented at 01:36 22 November
This one actually sounds like the original Guns and Roses doing one of the numerous filler tracks on that double album release they did. Well done Axl, you've got your band of session arses to sound almost as "Will this do?" as the "classic" Guns and Roses lineup did back then. Kudos on this one.

Elliot Armstrong commented at 01.39 22 November
Poke this. Another interminable ballad. This is just boring now, rather than being funny or even slightly amusing; much like these posts about it. I'm going to do something more interesting. You should stop reading this bollocks and go and do something more interesting too.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Shack Radio: Konnie Huq and Bitterness

Dave: Where’ve you been chief? We were starting to worry about you. You didn’t get locked up for trying to kick the faces off dogs down the park again did you? You do know we’ve got a show to write?

Mark: Nah mate. I went to see my personality doctor; like everyone said I should.

Dave: Ah, good. Did he tell you to take some time off or something? Have a little break?

Mark: Something like that. He said that I should join some clubs or groups. Meet new people that share my interests. Distract myself from my spiteful, misanthropic, narcissistic and self-destructive behaviours.

Dave: Sounds like good advice. How’s it been working out for you then?

Mark: My spiteful, narcissistic and self-destructive behaviours are my interests. And I fucking hate people. So I fired the useless, thick, cock-socket and stayed up for three days eating bzp pills and boozing. I decided I’d better chuck it in for a bit when pus started to come out of one of my tear ducts. Have a look. It’s fucking grim. Pus covered eyeball!

So I had a small sleep, and now here I am, talking to you.

Dave: I’m worried about you sir. Put my mind at rest and tell me you did at least something constructive with some of your time.

Mark: I spent seven hours printing out pictures of Konnie Huq I found on the internet. HA HA! I'm a genius!

Dave: You fucking idiot. Did you do any work on the show? All I can see here is a load of pictures of Konnie Huq with ballbags crudely drawn on her chin. Oh fucking hell; you still don’t have a thing about her running in the Olympic relay?

The Olympics was months ago, are you going to drop this Konnie Huq, tool of Communist oppression thing? You know you’re in the minority on this one. Everyone wants to chuck one up Konnie Huq.

Mark: And that’s why I’m the last moral man on this dying planet. Having sex with Konnie Huq would be like making warm, tender, gentle, sweet and above all consensual love with that tank from Tiananmen Square. In an obscenely opulent hotel room made only of the tears of the families of people that China has executed with a bullet in the back of the head. On the forth of June. Whilst the Beastie Boys stare accusation from the corner of the obscenely opulent hotel room made only of the tears of the families of people that China have executed with a bullet to the back of the head.

The Beastie Boys are now protesting about the occupation of Tibet; but you are swathed in bed sheets woven like the finest of silks from the eternally lost potential of cruelly discarded female children; victims of uncaring misogyny and the cold one child only dictates of The Party. Konnie Huq wants you to pollute her rivers and exploit her child work force. She’s whispering sweet nothings to assure you that not many, if any, people died in that earthquake a while back. She wants you to lay your pipeline in her African oil fields. You can see her Great Walls from space and she fucking loves it

And while all this is going on you are saying:

“Nerr nerr. I don’t care about your moral objections to totalitarianism and state censorship or your Falun Gong beliefs. I’m shagging Konnie Huq. Look at me everyone! I’m shagging Konnie Huq! There must be a prize or money or some kind of recognition for shagging Konnie Huq! If I wasn’t you would be! You’d be right where I am right now! Shagging Konnie Huq! But you’re not because I am! I’m shagging Konnie Huq! Look at me!”

And you are sticking your tongue out at everyone that has had any objections to Communist China’s policies on anything ever whilst you just keep pumping harder and harder, always pumping away at the lovely yet forever morally tainted Miss Huq’s cervix. The corrupt, godless, inscrutable, red-pinko commie bitch!

Actually chief, I think I need to nip off to the toilets for a little while...

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Don't Despair Kids

There is more Shack Radio (the radio show you can read using your eyes) on its way.

It will feature hilarious jokes and japery covering a wide range of subjects, up to and including:

Why Konnie Huq is a tool of Chinese state oppression and why it would be immoral to shag her right up any of her lovely hole places.

Why living to thirty years of age really isn't that much of an achievement in this modern day and age.

How Dave's over sized genitalia is linked to the childhood bollock abuse he suffered at the feet of various assailants in the school playground.

Dung farming in the middle ages.

Making deliberately unlikable playlists of songs that will never work together and how it ties into that time you deliberately broke a girl from Michigan's heart.

Our long-overdue musings on the Brand/Woss Sachsgate affair. Weeks after everyone is bored by it! Topical!

All this and slightly more coming soon. Laziness and drink problems permitting.

We might even record an episode of it at some point. So keep your eyes and ears open!

Warmest regards,

E. S. Armstrong.

(I was going to post my notes for the Shack Radio scripts rather than this; but even though they are more amusing than this shameless self-promoting post, trusted friends assure me that posting your notes about a thing that doesn't even exist yet is pretentious wankery of the very worst kind).

Friday, 7 November 2008

A Short Note That Might Indicate How Much I Care About American Politics Right Now

Well done Barry Hussien-O on being crowned King Of 'merca.

Commiserations, Grampa Ovenchips. Better luck next year.

And Well done to 'merca, for overcoming hundreds of years of prejudice and electing your first Catholic monarch!

You all deserve a patronising pat on the head from the rest of the World!