In reaction to the up and coming smoking ban, Elliot Armstrong would like it known that it is now compulsory to smoke in Elliot Armstrong's flat (at least three cigarettes per hour).
It will additionally be compulsory to smoke when in Elliot Armstrong's company, when talking to him on the telephone and when enjoying any CDs, DVDs and books you might have borrowed from him. Oh, and you must also light up whenever you think of him. Which will obviously be often.
Elliot Armstrong understands that there are many sickly, weak and sanctimonious types lacking in character that just aren't very enthusiastic about fun in the world. This is why Elliot Armstrong is offering "Nicotine Offsetting" Just send any cigarettes you should be smoking in accordance with the above rules (plus £25 sterling admin costs) and he will kindly smoke them for you.
That is all.