Dave: Where’ve you been chief? Up the park?
Mark: Nah, it’s been snowing. Pain in the fucking balls. I’m sick of skidding about like an epileptic figure skater with broken shins. Anyone that gurgles like an excited toddler that’s been force-fed sherbet on a bouncy castle at the sight of snow is a dullard with nothing important to be getting on with. They deserve a kick right in the sack. Right. In. The. Sack.
Dave: I dunno. It’s not that bad. And a kick in the nuts really fucking hurts sir. It’s happened to me a few times.
Mark; What fucking swine would dare? I’ll tear their ligaments out!
Dave: Oh no, this was years ago. Back when my family had two Commodore 64s; junior school. There were various assailants, one was a girl wearing pointy shoes.
Mark: Fucking ouch. Do you think the repeated swelling the various assailants did to the region pre-puberty is what caused you to grow such a massive dappler? On the evidence of what I saw when we last went to the Japanese baths you should be thanking that girl and possibly be offering to slip her some of the resulting length. Is she on Facebook? Do you want me to get in touch with her for you? Something along the lines of “If you pay me fifty quid my mate Dave will chuck one up you.”
Dave: You’re trying to pimp me out again you cunt. She was fucking ugly, I’d rather be kicked in the balls again.
Mark: I’ve not kicked anyone in the balls for over two decades…
Dave: I haven’t punched anyone in the mouth for years…
Mark: Dave, you know we’ve been friends for over thirteen years…
Dave: You can fuck off. I’m not letting you kick my cock off.
Mark: Oh come on. What would it take for you to let me? I’ll tell you what, you let me kick you in the cock until you can’t feel it, then you punch me in the mouth until it’s numb and by way of recompense I’ll suck you off. It’s not gay if neither of us can feel it, they said so on the news…
Christopher Robin: a sad story
1 week ago