Monday, 12 January 2009

Shack Radio: I'm Glad My Parents Can't Read This.

Dave: Where’ve you been chief? Up the park?

Mark: Nah, it’s been snowing. Pain in the fucking balls. I’m sick of skidding about like an epileptic figure skater with broken shins. Anyone that gurgles like an excited toddler that’s been force-fed sherbet on a bouncy castle at the sight of snow is a dullard with nothing important to be getting on with. They deserve a kick right in the sack. Right. In. The. Sack.

Dave: I dunno. It’s not that bad. And a kick in the nuts really fucking hurts sir. It’s happened to me a few times.

Mark; What fucking swine would dare? I’ll tear their ligaments out!

Dave: Oh no, this was years ago. Back when my family had two Commodore 64s; junior school. There were various assailants, one was a girl wearing pointy shoes.

Mark: Fucking ouch. Do you think the repeated swelling the various assailants did to the region pre-puberty is what caused you to grow such a massive dappler? On the evidence of what I saw when we last went to the Japanese baths you should be thanking that girl and possibly be offering to slip her some of the resulting length. Is she on Facebook? Do you want me to get in touch with her for you? Something along the lines of “If you pay me fifty quid my mate Dave will chuck one up you.”

Dave: You’re trying to pimp me out again you cunt. She was fucking ugly, I’d rather be kicked in the balls again.

Mark: I’ve not kicked anyone in the balls for over two decades…

Dave: I haven’t punched anyone in the mouth for years…

Mark: Dave, you know we’ve been friends for over thirteen years…

Dave: You can fuck off. I’m not letting you kick my cock off.

Mark: Oh come on. What would it take for you to let me? I’ll tell you what, you let me kick you in the cock until you can’t feel it, then you punch me in the mouth until it’s numb and by way of recompense I’ll suck you off. It’s not gay if neither of us can feel it, they said so on the news…

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

And yet you look like such a nice young man...

E.S Armstrong said...

Is that you mum?

Anonymous said...

So I read your blog and it seems your a BIT like Charlie Brooker; but not quite as funny. Funnier than your piss poor viewing statistics would suggest though. . . although in fairness I did only find this blog after googling "I would fuck Konnie Huq".

Hard to argue with any of your content though really, especially about wanting to bend one into Konnie Huq.

To return to Konnie Huq for a moment, I wonderd whilst reading this post: "does (the aforementioned) Konnie Huq have a boyfriend? and if she does, is he likely at some point to google-- or have googled-- something along the lines of 'I would fuck Konnie Huq'."

And I came to the conclusion that yes she probably has and yes he probably would have done. Who knows, future boyfriends might even read this post, causing them to have such a paradoxical 'watching me watching you' mind spasm their heads explode. I certainly hope so.

I also enjoyed your beggard beliefs pie chart and I fully intend to plagiarism it. Add that to your nihilisticalsupercynicalneverwhimsical fun vacuum you Mary.

Seriously though keep at it.

E.S Armstrong said...

Many of my views come from people that end up here after googling various combinations of the words "fuck" and "Konnie" and "Huq". Most fuck off within seconds to look for some genuine Konnie Huq wank fuel (there isn't any - I've checked), so cheers for taking the trouble to look around and comment. I'm quoting that I'm not quite as funny as Charlie Brooker. Best review I've had for anything in my life ever.

Thanks.

goregoregirl said...

did you write all that yourself?

E.S Armstrong said...
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E.S Armstrong said...

Don't be jealous because my comments aren't from homophobic Twilight fans.I can't help it that I'm not quite as funny as Carlie Brooker and you're not.

E.S Armstrong said...

Although, I am drunker that all off you and I can't spell anymore. Fuck you pathetic public. I still win. Now send me some fucking money you disgusting peons. How dare any of you challange me.

Anonymous said...

Having reflected on my previous post, felt it necessary to reply.
Your polite and amusing, self deprecating response to my boorish last post left me feeling like I was some waistcoat clad Cityboy spampurse who had just called an old lady a cunt for taking too long to use a cash machine. You are a talented humorist who should have told me to fuck off for being so needlessly twatish. I hate angry cyber morons as much as the next and leaving anonymous blog abuse is the modern day equivalent of shitting through a letter box.
I apologise.
Game set and match Sir. You have a new fan.

p.s. Literally JUST read your last drunken post. Still digesting it.
Kit out

E.S Armstrong said...
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E.S Armstrong said...
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E.S Armstrong said...
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E.S Armstrong said...

I like the word "spampurse" so much that I'm nicking it from you Anonymous. Also, I feel like a bit of a tit for not being more gracious about your lovely comments. And also for waiting for seven months to reply properly. In my defence I've been well sick, my dog ate my reply and this blog is so crap that even I can't be arsed to read it.