Wednesday, 26 August 2009

New Career. New Dawn!

I Have decided that after I resign from my job next week, my new job will be writing un-authorised biographies. Here is the first one I've done:

Just Try and Sue Me You Destitute Rapist: The Mike Tyson Story.

Mike Tyson was born in Brooklyn. I have been to Brooklyn and done sex with a girl there for research and it is a right dump. I have got a t-shirt that proves I have been there and done my research like a proper biographer.

Mike Tyson has an effeminate voice that everyone makes fun of, but Cus D'Amato and that bloke that is off Fight Night 4 (which I have played loads for my research) saw that he had big meaty hands, a well muscley neck and a tiny, small head that would be hard to hit because it is so minuscule. They said to Tyson that he would probably be well good at hitting the boys that made fun of him and then be youngest ever World Champion. Also, someone nicked his bike and he said he wanted to give them a whupping, then he threw his Olympic Gold Medal in the river, didn't go in the army because he was initially too thick and then decided he was against the war; then he had a Rumble in the Jungle with George Foreman. Although I might be confusing that bit with Muhammad Ali, who was also a boxing man, but never done any rapes. Well, none that I found out about while I was doing my research playing Fight Night 4, having sex and skim reading Wikipedia entries.

Mike Tyson was well poor and lived in that dump Brooklyn. All his mum could afford to feed him was Hamburger Helper (Hamburger Helper is a disgusting product full of Pit Bull hormones that Americans eat because they are all so fat and stupid). The hormones in Hamburger Helper are probably what made Mike Tyson's neck so muscley. So it's not all bad. Especially if you want a fat neck.

Mike was a messy eater. He would get his dinner all 'round his mouth, on the floor and some sometimes went on his brother (who, incidentally grew up to be a doctor, which sort of blows the whole nature versus nurture argument wide open). Mike's mum would shout at him "Oooh Mike, you've made a right bloody pig's ear of your dinner!"

Next, Mike's mum tragically died and Cus D'Amato took the youngster under his wing and legally became his Dad by deed poll.
Mike's training began and he took to the fight business like a particularly talented lamb to the slaughter. He loved boxing so much that he would even do it outside the ring in places like the street, night clubs, parks and public toilets. Unfortunately the rest of society is prejudiced against unsanctioned boxing displays down the park, pejoratively referring to his impromptu displays of the sweet science as "Some rowdy having a bit of a pagga."
It wasn't long before Mike was in trouble with the law.

But not for anything as bad as what he did to that lady, which he definitely did and it's not even libellous when you write about it on your blog. Which I will do. Later...

Mike trained his little self-pitying heart out for his first ever professional bout which was against the evil British genius Frank Bruno. Frank Bruno is a very bad man that used to hit his wife and lived with a teapot in a boxing ring at the bottom of his garden. Also, he was in loads of pantomimes, which just goes to show what a fucking cunt he is. The odds were stacked against Mike, but in the very first round he knocked Bruno clean out of the ring with a special finishing move he copied from Little Mac, a character from Nintendo's Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
Mike was youngest ever Heavyweight Champion! On his very first try!

His next fights were against King Hippo, that fat Canadian stereotype, Geoff Capes, Daley Thompson and that French bloke that is well easy to beat. Mike won them all. He was a national hero and the media's most loved personality ever. The media just didn't even know enough good words to say about him, and the media knows loads of words because parts of it are newspapers, magazines and those ever-professional journalists.

Then it all went sour. There's no way to sugar coat this, so if you are of a nervous disposition cover your ears now. It went sour because Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. A reprehensible act that he was sentenced to six years in prison for. He served three.

In prison Mike was treated like a celebrity because he was one. And not just for being a boxer, he had joined the ranks of other famous sex criminals. Some other famous sex criminals are Ted Bundy, Fred West, Josef Fritzl, the Vikings and Wilmott Brown from EastEnders in the eighties.
Mike had joined their shit smeared ranks. He also had a go at copying Muhammad Ali by converting to Islam, but decided to go one better by signing up to real Islam, rather than that wacky, spaceship apocalypse for whitey Nation of Islam version that Cassius Clay got himself mixed up in for a time.

They let Mike out after three years and he protested his innocence, because, well, you're pretty much obliged to if you're a rapist in the public eye. He also took to video taping his sexual encounters, not because all the punches he'd taken had rendered him unable to remember them for his wank bank, but so no one else could accuse him of raping them. Clever boy...

Mike started training to regain his title as youngest World Champion ever. Before fights Cus D'Amato used to keep Mike in a cage, starve him and poke him with a stick with an angry Wasp glued on the end so that when they let him out his demeanour would be like that of an angry Pit Bull. This almost always worked, except for that time he got smashed by Buster Douglas. D'Amato's training methods really back-fired during Tyson's second fight with Evander Holyfield as the washed up former champ and convicted rapist was so starving and missing his Mum so much that all he could think about was those warm, glowy childhood times when she would sternly but affectionately (like a nice dinner time referee he could cuddle) chastise the pugilistic idiot savant for making a messy pig's ear of his dinner. In famished desperation he took several big old chomps out of poor Evander's ears, even though Evander isn't made out of Hamburger Helper and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have the ears of a pig. I can't be bothered to look it up and check, but I'm certain that Evander Holyfield is a man that does boxing, not a pig, stupid.

After this failure, Tyson fired Cus D'Amato for his draconian training methodologies and also for dying several years before the fight actually happened. I know he was dead at this point in Tyson's career now because I did some fucking research and then cracked one out over one of my wank bank memories of doing sex with the girl in Brooklyn. Research! I think he had been dead for over ten years by this point in the story, but what would I know? I'm not his biographer.

America took Tyson's boxing licence away for biting (which is way worse than punching someone in the head until they are unconscious and possibly brain damaged for life, just ask Michael Watson) and the only place seedy enough to let him fight there was the Third World country "Great" Britain. He knocked out some guy that was so rubbish at boxing that he hadn't even seen any gloves before and sold advertising space on the soles of his boots, like some kind of worn out boxing cliche joke you might find in the back of The Ring Magazine. then he got knocked the fuck out by several proper journeyman types. Oh, and he also had two fights I should've mentioned earlier that he lost to famous British/Canadian Lennox Lewis.

Lennox Lewis is every one's favourite British person from Canada and is way better than the lantern-faced, Tennis playing shitcunt Greg Rusedski (or however it is you spell his name).

The build up to the fight was an angry affair because Mike Tyson ate one of Lennox Lewis' children. But at least he didn't rape them. Or his wife; which would be worse because you can always make another untainted child.

Tyson then gave up the fight business even though he had wasted all his money on gaudy tat and gone bankrupt.

He spent the rest of his days being a self-regarding whiner, one-man freak show and occasionally turning in the odd excruciating performance in otherwise decent films like The Hangover.

So to sum it all up; Mike Tyson, for a time an amazing fighter, for his whole life a contemptible human being that you probably shouldn't put in your film because seeing a convicted sex attacker sing a silly song and do a little dance should never be funny, even in these mean spirited, cynical times.

I think we can all identify with him. Well, we could if we'd all squandered a prodigious talent and a fortune and then spent time in clink for one of the most terrible things one human can do to another.

The End...

...Or is it?

Next week's un-authorised biography of a talented but compromised human being: Lee Malvo. what a great shot he was!