Shack Radio: The Interview.

Mark: Where’ve you been chief?

Dave: It’s 7.00pm on a Wednesday, I’ve been down the park laughing at the joggers.

Mark: Fair enough; I’ve been trying to find a guest to interview for next week’s show. This week’s was a bit shit.

Dave: We had a guest?

Mark: Yeah, technically, you count as a guest and you were shit. I could tell you how you count as a guest, but it’s complicated and I’m tired. Needless to say, you were a bit shit.

Dave: Fuck you. Who’ve you got then? Chris Morris?

Mark: I asked him, but it turns out he still hates us. Sent us a poo in the post by way of a reply. I’ve been trying to get that Mika arsehole. Big entertainment news story about him this week. You know him?

Dave: Not personally. He did the Grace Kelly song right? Sings like Freddie Mercury?

Mark: That’s the cunt. You hear about what happened to him?

Dave: Nah, what’s he been up to?

Mark: Fuck me; you really are a pop culture retard. It’s been all over the Internet. The poor cunt has been officially declared the World’s most obsolete, superfluous fucknut by the U.N.

Dave: Lucky boy. I dream of that kind of recognition, how’d he manage that?

Mark: He didn’t have to do anything; Freddie Mercury came back to life.

Dave: Fuck off! How’s that supposed to have happened? He bought himself back?

Mark: Nah, weirder than that chief. Out-going President of South Africa Thabo Mbeki bought him back. Had something to prove about Anti-retroviral drugs being shit and racist before they kick him out of office.

Dave: You’re such a fucking liar. Come on then cunt; tell me how he bought Freddie Mercury back to life.

Mark: The holistic way mate. He chucked his corpse in a hot bath full of garlic. That cured the Aids that Mercury died of. They’re controlling the unrelated HIV he’s still got with some vitamin pills they got off a German. It’s alternative medicine so it must work way better than anything you’ll get from those profiteering big pharmaceutical companies that sell proper drugs that have been trailed and peer-reviewed and all that bollocks.

Dave: But why Mercury? You’d think the President of South Africa would have better things to do than bring dead popsters back to life.

Mark: Good question, but he has a point to prove; why not pick the World’s most famous AIDS victim to prove it. Plus Mbeki fucking loves Queen, he was even happy when they played Sun City, even though he couldn't go.

Dave: Natch. So how is any of this Mika’s problem? Surely Mercury will just go back to Queen.

Mark: Nah mate, Mercury found out about We Will Rock You the Musical. Did his fucking bollocks. Kicked Ben Elton’s cock off and gave Bryan May nits to get his own back, Elton’s balls went sour and everything.

He won’t be going back to Queen; he’s sticking as a solo artist. And that’s this Mika Kid’s problem; with Mercury back and solo there’s just no need for Mika to exist, let alone rewrite Fat Bottom Girls another time. The U.N has officially declared him a useless cunt and they want him culled.

Dave: Shit. So you think we can get an interview with him? Would be a bit of a coup that one.

Mark: Can’t get in touch with him. They reckon he’s hiding out in North Wales with some Hindus he’s managed to trick into thinking that he’s a cow with TB.

Dave: The thick cunts. Why don’t we just interview Mercury then instead?

Mark: I asked. Even though Mercury’s totally all well happy about being alive again and all that, he still thinks you’re a massive wanker. Bit rich of him really, to my knowledge you’ve never indirectly supported apartheid.

Dave: But I have sported a really shit ‘tache though.