Mark: Where’ve you been chief?
Dave: It’s 7.00pm on a Wednesday, I’ve been down the park laughing at the joggers.
Mark: Fair enough; I’ve been trying to find a guest to interview for next week’s show. This week’s was a bit shit.
Dave: We had a guest?
Mark: Yeah, technically, you count as a guest and you were shit. I could tell you how you count as a guest, but it’s complicated and I’m tired. Needless to say, you were a bit shit.
Dave: Fuck you. Who’ve you got then? Chris Morris?
Mark: I asked him, but it turns out he still hates us. Sent us a poo in the post by way of a reply. I’ve been trying to get that Mika arsehole. Big entertainment news story about him this week. You know him?
Dave: Not personally. He did the Grace Kelly song right? Sings like Freddie Mercury?
Mark: That’s the cunt. You hear about what happened to him?
Dave: Nah, what’s he been up to?
Mark: Fuck me; you really are a pop culture retard. It’s been all over the Internet. The poor cunt has been officially declared the World’s most obsolete, superfluous fucknut by the U.N.
Dave: Lucky boy. I dream of that kind of recognition, how’d he manage that?
Mark: He didn’t have to do anything; Freddie Mercury came back to life.
Dave: Fuck off! How’s that supposed to have happened? He bought himself back?
Mark: Nah, weirder than that chief. Out-going President of South Africa Thabo Mbeki bought him back. Had something to prove about Anti-retroviral drugs being shit and racist before they kick him out of office.
Dave: You’re such a fucking liar. Come on then cunt; tell me how he bought Freddie Mercury back to life.
Mark: The holistic way mate. He chucked his corpse in a hot bath full of garlic. That cured the Aids that Mercury died of. They’re controlling the unrelated HIV he’s still got with some vitamin pills they got off a German. It’s alternative medicine so it must work way better than anything you’ll get from those profiteering big pharmaceutical companies that sell proper drugs that have been trailed and peer-reviewed and all that bollocks.
Dave: But why Mercury? You’d think the President of South Africa would have better things to do than bring dead popsters back to life.
Mark: Good question, but he has a point to prove; why not pick the World’s most famous AIDS victim to prove it. Plus Mbeki fucking loves Queen, he was even happy when they played
Dave: Natch. So how is any of this Mika’s problem? Surely Mercury will just go back to Queen.
Mark: Nah mate, Mercury found out about We Will Rock You the Musical. Did his fucking bollocks. Kicked Ben Elton’s cock off and gave
He won’t be going back to Queen; he’s sticking as a solo artist. And that’s this Mika Kid’s problem; with Mercury back and solo there’s just no need for Mika to exist, let alone rewrite Fat Bottom Girls another time. The U.N has officially declared him a useless cunt and they want him culled.
Dave: Shit. So you think we can get an interview with him? Would be a bit of a coup that one.
Mark: Can’t get in touch with him. They reckon he’s hiding out in
Dave: The thick cunts. Why don’t we just interview Mercury then instead?
Mark: I asked. Even though Mercury’s totally all well happy about being alive again and all that, he still thinks you’re a massive wanker. Bit rich of him really, to my knowledge you’ve never indirectly supported apartheid.
Dave: But I have sported a really shit ‘tache though.